Friday, May 1, 2015

The final heartbeat

Continued....

It was a Thursday morning 5/2/13,
I slept at the hospital alongside my siblings the night before.
We knew it would be the last time we would be four.

We sat around and waited for doctors to tell us it was time...
It felt like the clock was frozen in time.
There was not much talking going on.
We waited for family to come say goodbye,
Yet it still did not seem real.

They said it could be hours,
They said it could be days.

I wanted to be with him.
I could not let him be alone.
Everyone said there goodbyes,
and went to the waiting room.
I stayed.

I took his hand.
I told him I loved him.
I told him I would never give up finding out what happened.
I kissed his forehead,
I told him he was a hero.
I put my fingers on his wrist,
I felt his pulse.

They said it could be hours,
They said it could be days.

I held his hand...
Tight, my knuckles were white.
I felt his last heartbeat....
and yet a part of it still did not seem real.
I fell apart.
For the first time in eight days, I fell apart.

They said it could be hours,
They said it could be days,
It was not...
It was eleven minutes.

As I walked out of his room,
I wiped my tears.
I went to tell them-
He was gone.

We packed up,
It was time to leave.
We had made it our place,
For eight days, it was where we sat.
For eight days, it was our place of hope.
I went along as they moved him out.
An American flag draped over him.

Within a few hours,
I walked in to the firehouse.
All was draped in black....
There were lot of tears, news cameras...
Obituaries to be written-
Yet, A part of it did not seem real.
Two years later, A part of it still doesn't.

RIP my hero!

FF Gene Kirchner
LODD 5/2/2013














Thursday, April 23, 2015

Two years later

Two years ago seems like yesterday- this scene has run through my mind endlessly for the past two years- my night's sleep are like reruns, often interrupted, and never restful....






April 23rd, 2013.... I had coached a game. We played Urbana at home and beat them 17-4. I left the stadium, walked in the office to call in scores and went home as usual.


I was tired.. decided not to pack my lunch or lay out clothes for the next day. I figured I would wake up a little earlier and have time to do that in the morning.




I climbed into bed for a good night's rest-


A little after 1 a.m. my cell phone, which I never hear at night, began to go off. Confused, I assumed it was my alarm. I quickly realized it was the phone and that my brother, Will, was calling. I answered in a panic, thinking something was wrong. Anticipating Mom was having trouble breathing... he began by saying that Gene was at the hospital.. he was on a fire... and burned his hands.


I remember my heart beat slowing and a calmness came about. Nothing was serious! A burn.. that is nothing. He said he was at Northwest, not even a burn center. I asked if he really needed me to come... anticipating a minor burn... and that he would be done before I got there. He said yes... when I questioned why.. asking why he was going to Northwest if the burn was bed... he responded with just come. I started getting ready, still anticipating nothing could be that bad.


A few minutes went by and he called back... we are going to Shock Trauma.. come there. I questioned why there? if its a burn tell them to take him to the burn center... I was not sure how he would respond but did not anticipate the words that followed... "He is in cardiac arrest."


Heart rate speeding, panic set in, I hung up and woke up Jim. I don't remember what I said but I got ready fast.. all the while trying to call my sister. No answer.. I called and called and called.


Jim and I headed out... and Will called back.. this time to tell me I need to go tell Mom.


My heart stopped.. or so it felt.


The drive seemed forever long... and I could not come up with what to say. I got out and knocked on the door. I could hear her running down the steps... she opened the door in a panic... looked up saw Jim and I and said whats wrong? where is Noa? I calmly said Gene was hurt on a fire and that we needed to go to the hospital. She asked hurt how? I said he burned his hands... I stayed calm.. the whole way there she asked how he was hurt and I just kept repeating "he burned his hands."


Jim was going as fast as he could... I was still trying to reach April, no luck


I was texting Will the whole time giving him updates on how close we were.. have someone ready for Mom I said....


We pulled up to a scene from a movie.. lights, firefighters, chiefs... as soon as the doors open, Will greeted us. My mom fell apart.. she could tell something was really wrong.


I wanted to see Gene but we had to wait..


Lots of people I did not know were gathered in a room... finally, they let us go up.


We walked in to the TRU and Gene was laying on a cot lifeless, hooked onto many tubes... an officer sat to his right and Chief Hohman in front of his bed.


I wanted to scream, cry, yell, break down... but I stayed strong. Mom had not been told about the cardiac arrest-


The next few hours were the waiting game.. we gathered in a waiting room as they ran tests and moved Gene to the 5th floor.


To be continued....






This is what fills my mind so vividly when I go back to 4/23/13- I can hear the sounds, smell the scent, and recall almost every detail-


Life will never be the same as that day. That day was so normal- and ended so differently.. so scary... so life changing.
These next 8 days will be challenging... they bring up such raw emotions, such heartache, and so much reality-


Hoping for a good night's rest tonight-











Monday, March 2, 2015

The 2nd

The 2nd of any month just seems to be different than other dates.
I am less settled, less patient, and frazzled.
I don't realize sometimes that it's even the 2nd-
and then as I try and figure out why my day is going the way it is,
I glance at the calendar,
I realize it's the 2nd,
A date that just can't seem to get better.
All of the sudden I find my mind wondering back,
to the call, to the words, to the goodbye.
My mind is racing with flashbacks of 8 of the toughest days of my life,
and to memories of everything we shared.


22 months ago-
I still don't understand why or how?
I grow sadder and angrier as the second of each month passes.
 For a minute I just want to go back…
I just want to go back to life before April 24th, 2013

The Gene size hole in my heart continues to grow...
As time on the calendar continues to move on.

For those who ask or those who want to, but don't know how.
For those who wonder how we are doing-
We are broken,
We will always be.
We are here,
but not as fully as we were before.
We are living,
but we live with a huge hole.
We smile,
Simply to hide the pain.
For those who continue to say " you are so strong,"
I am not, I am falling apart inside day in and day out.


Missing you-