Missing him

As 2014 approaches...

Many people have said "I bet you are looking forward to a new year, to 2014."

Of course, there is reason for that statement.

I am not sure if I am looking forward to it, but I have no control over time. How quickly or slowly it passes.

There is a part of me that wants this year to end, as I can't imagine more sadness. I feel the turning of a page, the start of a new chapter, maybe will heal some wounds. Allow me to start living the new normal.

There is a part of me that wants time to stand still. As months go by, days, years, it is that much more time that has past since Gene died.

Memories are harder to remember. Remembering that last holiday dinner, our last text, the last phone call, the last hug. All of those start to fade more.

As time passes, I feel I am being forced to let go of some of those memories and some of those moments.

A new year means more milestones without him. More moments of accepting reality.

I said at the funeral that my biggest fear was that Noa (who was 10 month old) will not know Uncle Gene. As each day passes, that fear increases. Noa is learning a lot. She can point to pictures and say names. You can see the excitement in her face as she connects names, faces, and possibly experiences. When I show her a picture of Gene, she looks at it. But I don't see that same excitement. She has no experiences to connect to. I am fearful that I will not do enough for her to know who he was. I know, for sure, she would have loved him. He would have played, laughed, comforted, and loved her!

Am I looking forward to 2014? Maybe
Am I looking forward to time passing? No
So I guess I just don't know how I feel about the new year.