It all comes back

I have been in the fire department for 17 years. Through that time, I have heard of many line of duty deaths. I attended funerals, sent condolences, and sympathized with departments, families, and other department personnel. It's different now. Now, when I hear about a line of duty death.... All of the raw  emotions come flooding back. An image immediately enters my mind and scenes start to flashback in my mind. I begin to think and replay that initial phone call, picture the ride to the hospital, get glimpses of the time spent at trauma, the funeral, the eulogy. Suddenly, I am reminded of every detail. Details I try so hard to block out. Somehow, I can't control it and for days following tragic news... Nothing can block them out.

I start to think about the family. I think about the support, and pray there is a lot. I start to think of what to say in a card. Should they know how hard the days ahead will be. Would it help prepare them? Before my own loss, I always said "time will heal and things will get better." I always wrote "I am sorry for your loss." Now, I avoid all of those words. I know they are not true, I know that "loss" is not the right word. I  am more careful at addressing the pain. Most times, I feel I am writing to myself. Over 50 firefighters and other public safety personnel have died since Gene. Over 50 have made the same ultimate sacrifice. When I think about that number, I am drowned by sorrow. 50 families.... 50 flashbacks of a difficult movie in my mind.

As these pictures, thoughts, and feelings flood my mind and heart, after the tragic event in Boston, I try and look for anything that would make it better. Nothing exists. Holidays, birthdays, everyday routines, all that will never be the same is on my mind. All of the sudden, I find myself crying. I find myself wishing for a rewind button. For me, for my brother, for our family, and for all the other families.

It's been 11 months since the fire... 11 months since I was whole. It's been 11 months since I could ever be a bystander or stranger in a line of duty death.

My thoughts and prayers are with Boston, with the families. Wishing that the painful journey is cushioned by support today and everyday. My wish is that this is the last LODD...

The simple things

Funeral, Shiva, Unveiling,
People can understand how hard those are,
when someone dies.
People comfort you during those times.
Often, its those unpredictable moments,
simple moments,
that are the hardest.
In tears at work or while listening to a song,
watching a movie, or seeing something that reminds me,
that you are gone.

Going through my contact list on my phone today,
and there is your name.
Part of me wants to keep going fast,
another part of me wants to stop, and just for that moment,
pretend that I can press the button and call you.
Then there is the part that wonders if I should erase the contact.
It's so hard knowing that I can't call.
That I can't hear your voice.
Wishing heaven had a phone.

As time passes,
I start to forget the sound of your voice.
I can hear your words and see the facial expressions you would make.
I wish I had one voicemail left,
so that I could listen to your voice.