April 24th... A year later

I remember the day as if it was yesterday, but yet I feel like years have passed.
I had coached a lacrosse game and came home tired. I did not lay out clothes as I usually do. I did not pack a lunch, or  have a practice plan ready for the next day.
I remember being exhausted and lying in bed. As I fell asleep, my mind was filled with day to day thoughts. I had a list of things I had to do when morning came. (little did I know what the morning would hold).

It was a little after 1 am when my thoughts changed to fears, as I received a phone call, a phone call that still replays in my mind today.
I never hear my phone when I sleep, but that night I did.
I remember my questions as I tried to piece everything together. (are you sure you need me to come there? how silly a question that was).
The anger when I heard burn and Northwest (why not a burn center is all I could think).
The fear when I heard "cardiac arrest." (I knew what that meant)
The worry as I headed down the road to tell Mom. (What would I say? I did not know until I got there and still not sure how I kept a straight face as I told her that her baby was hurt)
I remember the faith I so wanted to have, that all would be okay.
The tears I soaked inside, as I stood strong for all those around me.
I recall the hours and days that passed.
Watching my brother fight... and trying to hold on to faith that we would be whole again.


365 days ago, we started on a journey. A journey that continues to be a struggle.
365 days ago, our hero Gene, made a choice to put someone else's life ahead of his own.
365 days since the fire that claimed his life.
It was the last time he was the Gene we all knew. The last time he don his cape and did what he loved.

I think about Gene everyday-
I miss him. I miss his smile, his squeezes, miss him wearing sunglasses indoors, the sibling fights that often ended in wrestling matches, and giving him a hard time like a big sister should.
I miss fighting over the last piece of cake at holidays or hearing him stump up the steps when he got mad at Mom.
I miss knowing he was there, a phone call away.
I think about Gene everyday-
Today, a year after this journey started, I hurt more, I fear more, and I am falling apart more than a year ago.

Count Down

Life is full of countdowns...
We count down each week to the weekend ahead, to paydays,
We count down to a new year, weddings, birthdays, and vacations.
We count down to retirement.
Usually, this time of year has me excited for the end of school year countdown.
Right now, the only countdown I can focus on, is the anniversary of the fire and of Gene's death.

11 days to the date of that fire... and 19 to the day that he died.
How quickly, yet slowly, a year has gone by.

Wishing there was a way to skip those day in the calendar,
to somehow make them disappear.

I don't know what those days will bring in terms of emotions,
but as they draw closer, I grow more anxious.

In between we count down to the release of the investigation report, the unveiling, the Shock Trauma Gala that will honor him, and Fallen Heroes Day...
As each of these events gets closer, my emotions change.
I am firing on all cylinders..
I am worried, but unsure of what.
I am angry, but unsure at whom.
I cry often, but unsure what brings it on.
I feel anxious, but unsure of why.
I am saddened, because in between all these dates are holidays, phone calls, hugs, texts, and visits that are missed.
I am part and not whole, because I have a Gene size hole in my heart, and it's growing larger as this countdown nears it's end.