18 months later

I have not written on here in a while..
rather the words have been spinning in my mind.
Many believe that "we should move on, "
They don't understand the pain that comes with that.

Since my last post, we have had more ceremonies to honor you,
Have celebrated more birthdays and holidays,
We have cried and smiled,
But have come no where closer to the answers we continue to be in search of.

It's been our biggest challenge, the hardest fact to digest.
"We may never know;" words hard to hear.
Will it bring us closer, I don't know.
Will it bring further hurt, I am not sure.
Will it make sense, likely not...
but I still yearn to know what happened to you that night.

Thanksgiving eve, listing all that I am thankful for,
Yet, a part still thankless for this dark cloud in my life.
I am reminded by no other than Dr. Seuss...
to not "cry because it's over,.. but... smile because it happened.”
I focus on what we had, but can't let go of what would have been.

As time passes, wounds don't heal,
We just learn the "new normal" is with what we have to learn to deal.
Less tears for sure,
but with that comes a price...
I could tell you all of the lasts we shared.. but as time passes, they become a fog.
I recall your words, but not your voice.
I recall your look, but not your smell.
I remember our last phone conversation, but not every word.
Time takes parts away,
Time makes things harder, too.

I am thankful for the memories we shared,
the smiles, the tears, the  "real" that our life was.
I miss your silly looks, your stubborn personality,
your hugs, and your being.

I am thankful for the people you have placed in my life,
for the reminders you send to let me know that you are near,
and for the love of a little brother that you thought me about.

The holidays are so hard, no matter how much time has passed.
It's meant to be shared with family,
For us, the table is always missing one.