Unanswered Questions

Does knowing make things better?
I have always been a student of the why and how.
When Gene got hurt, we concentrated on how to get him better.
When he died, our focus was how to survive.
Now, we find ourselves concentrating on the why. The unknown why.

I know it would not be easier if Gene had a terminal illness.
There would always be questions.
I know that no matter how a loved one dies,
there are always holes.
I am not insensitive to anyone else's loss,
but sometimes I wonder what that information would do.
and yes, I know, none of it will change the outcome.

With every report or conversation,
I question more the why and how.
I wonder more what happened in that room,
on the second floor of that home.
Did Gene suffer? Was he scared?
I want to believe that knowing would help.
That knowing would help us move forward in this journey.
The truth is, we may never know.
We may never know why Gene died!
That is very hard to live with.

Time References

We are used to hearing BCE and CE when referring to historical dates and events (some use AC and BC)

For me, when speaking about dates and events in life, it is marked by the time that has passed since Gene died.

I can tell you the exact amount of time that has passed

8 Months today

245.3194 Days

5887.66 Hours (if we count from this exact moment I am typing)

353260  Minutes

My life will forever be divided into two time periods.

With Gene, Without Gene.

Before Gene died, After Gene died.

In the time that has elapsed, I have gathered piles of paperwork and mail.

(You will never believe how many magazines that boy subscribed to!

Or how many forms you have to fill out)

1000's of sympathy cards.

What is one to do with all those cards? 

Keep them? 

Getting rid of them seems like giving up a little part of Gene.

In that time, I have learned...

more than I ever wanted to about estate law and workmen's compensation policies.

About words and the impact they have (another day, another blog).

That not everything happens for a reason.

How strong I can be.

About who to trust and count on.

How to hold it together when wanting to fall apart.

About how precious life really is.

How to accept support.

But mostly, about how much my brother was and is loved.

I hope he knew.

Because he would have smiled! A really BIG smile!

I miss him everyday.

But for some reason its 1000 times grater on the 2nd of each month.

I miss his stubbornness.His inability to answer my phone calls.

Hearing him stump up and down steps.Seeing him wear sunglasses indoors.

His smile. Goofing off until someone got hurt (he is my little brother after all).

I miss his squeezes (which is what I call hugs with Noa now).

His ability to eat an entire pizza on his own.

I miss his presence. I miss life before Gene died.

You know who else misses him? 

Papa John's.

Not sure how they are staying in business anymore!

It's been 8 months.

I feel like there should be a check list of what happens each month (I am sure there is one out there somewhere), but I know that is not reality.

This journey is individualized. Without rules. Without time frames. 

I accept that.

And as one very smart Rabbi reminded me, time does not heal all!

I miss his shaggy hair!
Gene came home from college with a lot of hair, but we convinced him to return to a buzz cut rather quickly!