For me, when speaking about dates and events in life, it is marked by the time that has passed since Gene died.
I can tell you the exact amount of time that has passed
8 Months today
245.3194 Days
5887.66 Hours (if we count from this exact moment I am typing)
353260 Minutes
My life will forever be divided into two time periods.
With Gene, Without Gene.
Before Gene died, After Gene died.
In the time that has elapsed, I have gathered piles of paperwork and mail.
(You will never believe how many magazines that boy subscribed to!
Or how many forms you have to fill out)
1000's of sympathy cards.
What is one to do with all those cards?
Keep them?
Getting rid of them seems like giving up a little part of Gene.
In that time, I have learned...
more than I ever wanted to about estate law and workmen's compensation policies.
About words and the impact they have (another day, another blog).
That not everything happens for a reason.
How strong I can be.
About who to trust and count on.
How to hold it together when wanting to fall apart.
About how precious life really is.
How to accept support.
But mostly, about how much my brother was and is loved.
I hope he knew.
Because he would have smiled! A really BIG smile!
I miss him everyday.
But for some reason its 1000 times grater on the 2nd of each month.
I miss his stubbornness.His inability to answer my phone calls.
Hearing him stump up and down steps.Seeing him wear sunglasses indoors.
His smile. Goofing off until someone got hurt (he is my little brother after all).
I miss his squeezes (which is what I call hugs with Noa now).
His ability to eat an entire pizza on his own.
I miss his presence. I miss life before Gene died.
You know who else misses him?
Papa John's.
Not sure how they are staying in business anymore!
It's been 8 months.
I feel like there should be a check list of what happens each month (I am sure there is one out there somewhere), but I know that is not reality.
This journey is individualized. Without rules. Without time frames.
I accept that.
And as one very smart Rabbi reminded me, time does not heal all!
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| I miss his shaggy hair! Gene came home from college with a lot of hair, but we convinced him to return to a buzz cut rather quickly! |
....and don't worry about memories that seem to be fading when you are trying your hardest to remember . When you don't try so hard and when you may least expect it, THAT is when a memory will be strong and vivid and familiar....and, eventually, that memory will be comfortable and comforting....just like a hug from your brother. Because that is EXACTLY what it will be.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you Shelly. We are just facebook friends (not really sure how) but I read your posts about Gene since my best friend Aaron is a Baltimore City firefighter and somehow -through your writing-I feel like I've gotten to know your little brother. Your love for him is inspiring and I wish you peace even during times of great pain.
ReplyDeleteThat's one smart Rabbi. He told me the same thing.. and it helps. No, time doesn't wash away anything, doesn't heal anything, it just puts space between then and now.
ReplyDeleteWhen my brother died one of the best words of wisdom was this. " Some days you feel "almost" normal and you get by for a while like that and it feels "almost" good. Then something will come and remind you and you will feel like you are starting to fall backwards in your healing. You aren't, you are just feeling how important he is to you. You will get to days when you "almost" forget how much it hurts and you have put space between you and the heavy blanket of sadness. You will put years in between that phone call that changed everything and fill in the days with happier moments. And one day you will figure out your new normal with him "almost" in it. He's never fully gone because that's how you will honor him."
I don't know how I got through the first year. But I did, and now half of another is here, and I "almost" believe that I can do this without him.
Be well,
Crysta