Words

Words are funny. They can comfort. They can hurt. They can mislead.
Words are not one dimensional.
They have many meanings.

When Gene died, I heard a lot of words.
Some I have forgotten.
Some I try to forget.
Some are stored away in texts, emails, cards.
Some comfort and some hurt.
Some are difficult to hear and some are difficult to answer.
Some are broken.

I was recently reminded by someone else grieving a great loss,
that words can be cheap. How true.

Then there are words hard to find...
When people say "how are you doing?"
I don't know how to answer.
I am sad, very sad. I am overwhelmed, I am angry.. (Yes, even today)
So most of the time I just simply say " I am okay."
I know its as hard for those asking as they are not sure what to say.
I don't want them to stop asking,
I just don't always know how to answer.
If I explain how I really am, will they be sorry they asked?
If I say I am okay, do they think I am lying or avoiding...
I just don't know how to answer it.

And words uncomfortable to some...
The other day, someone brought up my brother
and quickly followed it by saying "I am so sorry I brought it up"
The words "Gene", "your brother"
those are words I want to hear.
It helps me to know he has not been forgotten,
that he is not out of sight, out of mind
I want to talk about him...
I want to tell stories
To share words about him
I do it ever- time Noa and I are going through her daily naming of family members.
I always add "Uncle Gene" .. (she is getting better at saying Gene)

and then there are words that are yet to come...
I hope that when she asks about Uncle Gene one day, that I find the right words



                                                     Gene and Noa (Hanukkah 2012)