Does knowing make things better?
I have always been a student of the why and how.
When Gene got hurt, we concentrated on how to get him better.
When he died, our focus was how to survive.
Now, we find ourselves concentrating on the why. The unknown why.
I know it would not be easier if Gene had a terminal illness.
There would always be questions.
I know that no matter how a loved one dies,
there are always holes.
I am not insensitive to anyone else's loss,
but sometimes I wonder what that information would do.
and yes, I know, none of it will change the outcome.
With every report or conversation,
I question more the why and how.
I wonder more what happened in that room,
on the second floor of that home.
Did Gene suffer? Was he scared?
I want to believe that knowing would help.
That knowing would help us move forward in this journey.
The truth is, we may never know.
We may never know why Gene died!
That is very hard to live with.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Time References
We are used to hearing BCE and CE when referring to historical dates and events (some use AC and BC)
For me, when speaking about dates and events in life, it is marked by the time that has passed since Gene died.
I can tell you the exact amount of time that has passed
8 Months today
245.3194 Days
5887.66 Hours (if we count from this exact moment I am typing)
353260 Minutes
My life will forever be divided into two time periods.
With Gene, Without Gene.
Before Gene died, After Gene died.
In the time that has elapsed, I have gathered piles of paperwork and mail.
(You will never believe how many magazines that boy subscribed to!
Or how many forms you have to fill out)
1000's of sympathy cards.
What is one to do with all those cards?
Keep them?
Getting rid of them seems like giving up a little part of Gene.
In that time, I have learned...
more than I ever wanted to about estate law and workmen's compensation policies.
About words and the impact they have (another day, another blog).
That not everything happens for a reason.
How strong I can be.
About who to trust and count on.
How to hold it together when wanting to fall apart.
About how precious life really is.
How to accept support.
But mostly, about how much my brother was and is loved.
I hope he knew.
Because he would have smiled! A really BIG smile!
I miss him everyday.
But for some reason its 1000 times grater on the 2nd of each month.
I miss his stubbornness.His inability to answer my phone calls.
Hearing him stump up and down steps.Seeing him wear sunglasses indoors.
His smile. Goofing off until someone got hurt (he is my little brother after all).
I miss his squeezes (which is what I call hugs with Noa now).
His ability to eat an entire pizza on his own.
I miss his presence. I miss life before Gene died.
You know who else misses him?
Papa John's.
Not sure how they are staying in business anymore!
It's been 8 months.
I feel like there should be a check list of what happens each month (I am sure there is one out there somewhere), but I know that is not reality.
This journey is individualized. Without rules. Without time frames.
I accept that.
And as one very smart Rabbi reminded me, time does not heal all!
 |
| I miss his shaggy hair! Gene came home from college with a lot of hair, but we convinced him to return to a buzz cut rather quickly! |
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
A year in review
2013 started out with some amazing milestones...
Noa had so many firsts.
She grew and captured out hearts more each day.
I learned how to juggle my time between being a wife,teacher, coach, and mom.
Jim was laid off and I thought that was the toughest challenge for our family of 3. I felt like a derailed train... He quickly got a new job, one he loves. I was happy we were back on track.
I hired a new assistant coach. I was optimistic and excited for the ability of our staff to lead our team to new heights. I had the opportunity to hire a young man whom I had the pleasure to watch play as a high school boy. He was full of life and energy. We planned endlessly and formed a professional relationship that had me eager for the 2013 season to start.
An early morning in February changed so much. Devin died in a tragic accident.
A life of promise cut so short.
I had to help young people learn how to mourn (many mourners for the first time). I went out each day that spring, hoping I did enough.
The first practice, game, were hard. Our plan may have derailed... But by mid session we had learned how to cope, we had gotten back on track towards our plan. We made Devin a part of our everyday.
But 2013 had more in store.
An unimaginable, horrible, plan in store.
It was an ordinary April day... I went to sleep exhausted after a day of work and Lacrosse game. Lunches packed, lessons done, practice planned.
I got a phone call that continues to replay in my head.
"Gene was hurt on a fire"
The next few hours were filled with words like "cardiac arrest", "coma" , "brain damage", "oxygen deprivation", "co poisoning."
Life was sucked out of me! I could not and still can't imagine what back on track looks like.
After eight days of an up and down emotional ride, Gene took his last breath, as I held his hand.
Picking out a casket, giving a eulogy, sitting shiva... Not what I ever imagined for 2013.
2013 tested me. It was a year of great loss. So much loss. (Devin, Gene, Gina, Superman Sam, so many unimaginable losses).
2013 tested my strength, friendships, my belief in g-d, my family, and my optimism.
I will never understand why. It is unfair and unbelievable. It is unimaginable, but yet I lived and live it.
2014 will be a year where I will walk slowly in my journey of getting back on track.
I will have many more steps in my journey. So many emotional memorials and days await.
I am sad for the year that Gene will not have. For the year that we will not physically have with him.
2014, here I come. Be gentle on me, please. (borrowed line from another grieving survivor)
Noa had so many firsts.
She grew and captured out hearts more each day.
I learned how to juggle my time between being a wife,teacher, coach, and mom.
Jim was laid off and I thought that was the toughest challenge for our family of 3. I felt like a derailed train... He quickly got a new job, one he loves. I was happy we were back on track.
I hired a new assistant coach. I was optimistic and excited for the ability of our staff to lead our team to new heights. I had the opportunity to hire a young man whom I had the pleasure to watch play as a high school boy. He was full of life and energy. We planned endlessly and formed a professional relationship that had me eager for the 2013 season to start.
An early morning in February changed so much. Devin died in a tragic accident.
A life of promise cut so short.
I had to help young people learn how to mourn (many mourners for the first time). I went out each day that spring, hoping I did enough.
The first practice, game, were hard. Our plan may have derailed... But by mid session we had learned how to cope, we had gotten back on track towards our plan. We made Devin a part of our everyday.
But 2013 had more in store.
An unimaginable, horrible, plan in store.
It was an ordinary April day... I went to sleep exhausted after a day of work and Lacrosse game. Lunches packed, lessons done, practice planned.
I got a phone call that continues to replay in my head.
"Gene was hurt on a fire"
The next few hours were filled with words like "cardiac arrest", "coma" , "brain damage", "oxygen deprivation", "co poisoning."
Life was sucked out of me! I could not and still can't imagine what back on track looks like.
After eight days of an up and down emotional ride, Gene took his last breath, as I held his hand.
Picking out a casket, giving a eulogy, sitting shiva... Not what I ever imagined for 2013.
2013 tested me. It was a year of great loss. So much loss. (Devin, Gene, Gina, Superman Sam, so many unimaginable losses).
2013 tested my strength, friendships, my belief in g-d, my family, and my optimism.
I will never understand why. It is unfair and unbelievable. It is unimaginable, but yet I lived and live it.
2014 will be a year where I will walk slowly in my journey of getting back on track.
I will have many more steps in my journey. So many emotional memorials and days await.
I am sad for the year that Gene will not have. For the year that we will not physically have with him.
2014, here I come. Be gentle on me, please. (borrowed line from another grieving survivor)
 |
| (Noa's Naming, 2012) The last family picture we have of all of us |
 |
| (Gene, 2012) |
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Missing him
As 2014 approaches...
Many people have said "I bet you are looking forward to a new year, to 2014."
Of course, there is reason for that statement.
I am not sure if I am looking forward to it, but I have no control over time. How quickly or slowly it passes.
There is a part of me that wants this year to end, as I can't imagine more sadness. I feel the turning of a page, the start of a new chapter, maybe will heal some wounds. Allow me to start living the new normal.
There is a part of me that wants time to stand still. As months go by, days, years, it is that much more time that has past since Gene died.
Memories are harder to remember. Remembering that last holiday dinner, our last text, the last phone call, the last hug. All of those start to fade more.
As time passes, I feel I am being forced to let go of some of those memories and some of those moments.
A new year means more milestones without him. More moments of accepting reality.
I said at the funeral that my biggest fear was that Noa (who was 10 month old) will not know Uncle Gene. As each day passes, that fear increases. Noa is learning a lot. She can point to pictures and say names. You can see the excitement in her face as she connects names, faces, and possibly experiences. When I show her a picture of Gene, she looks at it. But I don't see that same excitement. She has no experiences to connect to. I am fearful that I will not do enough for her to know who he was. I know, for sure, she would have loved him. He would have played, laughed, comforted, and loved her!
Am I looking forward to 2014? Maybe
Am I looking forward to time passing? No
So I guess I just don't know how I feel about the new year.
Many people have said "I bet you are looking forward to a new year, to 2014."
Of course, there is reason for that statement.
I am not sure if I am looking forward to it, but I have no control over time. How quickly or slowly it passes.
There is a part of me that wants this year to end, as I can't imagine more sadness. I feel the turning of a page, the start of a new chapter, maybe will heal some wounds. Allow me to start living the new normal.
There is a part of me that wants time to stand still. As months go by, days, years, it is that much more time that has past since Gene died.
Memories are harder to remember. Remembering that last holiday dinner, our last text, the last phone call, the last hug. All of those start to fade more.
As time passes, I feel I am being forced to let go of some of those memories and some of those moments.
A new year means more milestones without him. More moments of accepting reality.
I said at the funeral that my biggest fear was that Noa (who was 10 month old) will not know Uncle Gene. As each day passes, that fear increases. Noa is learning a lot. She can point to pictures and say names. You can see the excitement in her face as she connects names, faces, and possibly experiences. When I show her a picture of Gene, she looks at it. But I don't see that same excitement. She has no experiences to connect to. I am fearful that I will not do enough for her to know who he was. I know, for sure, she would have loved him. He would have played, laughed, comforted, and loved her!
Am I looking forward to 2014? Maybe
Am I looking forward to time passing? No
So I guess I just don't know how I feel about the new year.
The start of the blog
I decided to start blogging... I wish I had done it sooner!
I am a mommy of one.. a wife, teacher, coach, amongst other titles.
I don't have a specific purpose for the blog, maybe one will be defined as time goes on.
Just a clean palate to put my thoughts, to connect.
Why the title...many were already taken. It describes where I am.
I am a mommy of one.. a wife, teacher, coach, amongst other titles.
I don't have a specific purpose for the blog, maybe one will be defined as time goes on.
Just a clean palate to put my thoughts, to connect.
Why the title...many were already taken. It describes where I am.
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